you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I did not marry a roomba.
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