I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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