the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
