Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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