I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
