and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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