I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
