My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
