This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Let's get the cat blown out
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
