In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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