you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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