I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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