i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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