just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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