just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
