so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
