How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
