my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
