he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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