Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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