I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I AM VODKA MAN
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
