i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
