Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
