I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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