I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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