can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So many bounce houses so little time
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
