yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
