The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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