you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
