Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My ATM looks so different sober.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize