so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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