I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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