420 ftw
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
