Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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