WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
