Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
