i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
