I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
