I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
