You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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