Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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