Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
