My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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