That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
