I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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