why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
