Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
