I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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