i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
