On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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