Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
