Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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